Disapontment

I was coming home from a Christmas party I took my daughter to. While she was changing radio stations trying to find her favorite Hip-Hop music I couldn't help thinking about the party. It was a party organized by some good hearted community ladies for Armenian disabled children & adults. I had never been to one before.  She has always been going to main stream American organizations for the disabled. I didn't know there was such a large community of disabled Armenians. One of my sisters had found out about this from a TV program & gave me the information. I was very exited about this, I thought my daughter might find some friends & I could get to know some of the parents, we could exchange phone numbers & have fun get togethers for our kids.  My daughter was exited too, she had been asking every day when the party was. We made hair & eyebrow appointment so she could look her best. Lately her favorite color is black so she dressed head to toe in black & with her newly bleached blond hair she looked very cool. I took another one of my sisters (I have seven) for moral support, I did not want to be alone where I didn't know anyone else. As soon as we entered my daughter was given a gift bag & once we were at our table she couldn't wait to open it. There was a picture frame, an ugly brown scarf, some makeup & a CD. She wasn't impressed by any of it. There was already music playing & some people were dancing. Some in groups, some as couples & some with no one in particular. My daughter started complaining, that this was not fun, she didn't like the music, she didn't know anyone. I tried to keep her busy with food & a promise of a big surprise. I offered to dance with her but she didn't budge. I kept looking around wanting to get a sense of it all. There were a lot of down syndrome people some young & some very old. Not too many physically challenged but mental retardation & developmentally delayed persons. My husband didn't come with me he never does because he says it makes him sad. I was surprised to see so many other dads. Most parents were middle aged or older. They all seemed to have the same kinds of expressions. Just by looking at them I understood every feeling they were going through. Some looked relieved to be in the company of so many other parents with a disabled child. Some looked uncomfortable almost apologetic as if to say it wasn't their fault that they had a damaged child. It seemed some had the same types of hopes of finding companions for their kids, looking around  sizing everybody. Most seemed resigned to their & their kids faith, no more hope of anything good happening, no more waiting for improvement. That look of frozen pain & disappointment was the most haunting. My daughter was disappointed too. She probably was expecting a regular normal people's party with good looking girls & boys & rocking up-to-date dance music. Instead it was like so many other holiday parties she had been before, where it seems everyone is doing you a favor by giving you a party that seems a poor imitation of the real thing. I can never help but feel that the people organizing & volunteering for these functions with all their good intentions, do them out of pity, they go through the motions & can't wait for it to be over so they can go back to their normal kids with normal lives. Finally my daughter said she wanted to dance & I took  her to the dance floor. Normally she loves to dance but today her heart wasn't in it. Even when the big surprise came, it was a real singer performer with a real band & pounding blaring music she did not feel better. She said she did not feel good, that she didn't feel like herself & wanted to go home. I asked her several times if she was sure & she said yes. We left. As always I was sad for her, I know she was disappointed but there was nothing I could do. I knew exactly how she felt.