BENEDICTION

I have been blessed with a big family and for years they have honored me by coming to my home for Thanksgiving dinner. I try my best to have a warm and inviting house and good things to eat. There are never enough chairs but we always have plenty of food that even after everyone taking a plate home we still have leftovers to enjoy for a couple of days. Every year I attempt to say what I'm thankful for but it seems that I never get it right or I don't say enough. So this year I want to write it down so I won't leave out anything.

• I'm thankful for my loving husband, his funny antics and his patience with me.
• I'm thankful for my beautiful daughter who is the reason for my life.
• I'm thankful that my son is happy with his wife whom I love dearly and baby girl and our life is richer because of them.
• I'm thankful for my kind and caring mother in law.
• I'm thankful that my brother in law and his family finally joined us and are making a life for themselves and the girls are happy and well adjusted.
• I'm blessed that I have all my brothers and sisters and that their families are healthy, productive and growing.
• I'm grateful that I'm employed and can provide for my family again.
• I'm grateful that our Earth is beautiful and the sky is blue and the sun is still shining.
• I'm blessed that I remember my parents with love and admiration.
• And last but not least I'm super thankful for the Internet.
• May you all be blessed this Thanksgiving and all the ones yet to come.

Self Expression

Who is relevant? Who is important? What is important? Who matters? I'm not talking about Time magazine's 100 most influential people of the year but about people who we come into contact in our everyday life, people we work with, our friends in Facebook, our family. What we choose to say to each other when we meet, or call or text or share or comment in real time or electronically, they all say something about us. Do we only talk about our work, our family, our political views, our obsessions, our travels, our opinions, our love life, celebrities, food, kids, clothes? Do other peoples obsessions become out pet peeves at some point, do we get board, annoyed, tired from reading the same things from the same people all the time? Do we sometimes ask ourselves, who cares? I'll be honest, I do judge people in my mind all the time. On the surface I'm very accepting of all people because I love people in general. I don't care about gender, sexuality, nationality or religion. That doesn't mean I can be friends with all of them or would like any type of relationship with them. But inside I make judgments by what they talk about, what they say they read or don't read, what TV news or programs they watch, who they like and even what they wear. I think most people will not admit to being judgmental because it's not a desirable trait, but I admit that I am a judgmental person and I also think most people are like me in this regard. I wrote this because I needed to express something and now I'm not sure what it really was.

ONE HOUR FOR A LIFETIME

When my son was growing up I was a new emigrant, a part time student and a part time fast food restaurant employee, I was basically trying to survive in this new word. In a matter of few months my world had turned upside down. I had left my mom and dad, sisters and brothers in Iran to come to America where my fiance was waiting for me. We got married within two weeks of my arrival. He was going to college and I also registered and started taking ESL classes. It was my husband's idea to have a child right away. He said all our challenges will be over at the same time, by the time we would graduate our kid would be in school. I was young , in love and stupid so I agreed. I guess in his mind the division of labor was like this, he would go to school and work to support us, and I would go to school and raise the kid. But obviously he hadn't counted on school being so expensive for foreign students that only one of us could go to school. Our parents were sending money from Iran for school bur only enough for one of us. I really don't know who's decision it was that the one going to school would be him but I have a pretty good hunch that being from middle east and from traditional families we both felt that with him being educated he would be in a better position to make a good living. So he went and I stayed home to care for our son. There is a point to my story, however I first need to explain why I did not do the things that I'm suggesting you to do. When I was young, I was selfish and I thought of myself only. I wanted to get an education, I wanted to have a carrier, I had dreams and goals. But I also had a son. I should have thought about his future, his education, his dreams and his success. But instead I felt that something or someone had stolen my dreams and there were boulders on my road to success. I was full of resentment and bitterness, I blamed everything and everybody. At this point in my life I have made peace with the wrong decisions of my youth, I have forgiven my husband for forcing me into motherhood way before I was ready, I have forgiven myself for not being a better mother, I have settled all my resentments and berried my regrets. Not only I was too busy feeling sorry for myself but also I basically knew nothing about saving for college, I only had a checking account to pay bills, we could hardly make ends meet let alone save for college. Then years latter I started working in the banking and investment industry and learned about financial planing. It was way too late for my children. My son went to community college, state university and graduated medical school with a $300,000.00 burden of student loans. He worked part time while in college and a year before starting medical school. We helped as much as we could, not from savings but from current earnings and it was difficult to say the least. It hurt us to see him struggle and have to do without. But we are proud that he stuck to his vision and reached his goal. Yet it could have been much easier and a whole lot less stressful if we had planned. This is where I am going to tell you to do what I failed to do because of my self absorption and ignorance. Your children deserve the best life. I know as loving parents you want everything that is the best in life for them. You want them to be happy and healthy of course but you want them to have good paying jobs, and that only comes from a solid education. All you new parents and parents to be, start thinking about this matter now. Set the stage for their success now. Lay the foundation, pave the road, make it possible for them to see their bright future. Start savings for your kids future as soon as they are born. Even if they are a few years old it is not too late. It is easy and simple, go to any major bank and ask to speack to the financial advisor, or go on line to Fidelity Investments and set up a 529 college savings plan. You can start with a $100.00 and have them transfer money from your checking account, any amount you want once a month. Once you do this you don't have to think about it anymore. Every parent can save up to $250,000.00 per child tax free. If one child doesn't use it for education another child in the family can. Set your child's future on the right track, remember your children deserve the best. Invest one hour in the future of your child now and set them up for a great life.

The ScholarShare College Savings Plan is California's tax-advantaged 529 plan, open to everyone. It's sponsored by the ScholarShare Investment Board, an agency of the State of California, and managed by Fidelity Investments.

Vanguard College Savings Center

Don't take them with you

He lost his job and he killed his wife, his two sons , his mother-in-law and himself. Stupid stupid man. You probably deserved to die but who gave you the right to take them with you. Those innocent human beings that may have enjoyed life even after your tragic demise. I'm no stranger to thoughts of suicide. When I was a teenager any disagreement with my parents would make a good excuse to kill myself, in adulthood I have had my share of tragedies and disappointments to fill a few life times and again suicide has always seemed the easy way out. But easy for whom? It certainly is easy and a final end to the suffering of the person committing it but for the family and every loved one left behind it's a tragedy to be dealt with for the rest of their lives. Only cowards want to take others with them in death. The person who drives the wrong way in a freeway to kill himself is sure to take a few innocents with him as well, or the morons who park their car on train tracks. In any suicide there are a number of people to blame like the wife, husband or the parent who didn't see it coming. In my non expert opinion most suicides are predictable and even preventable. Most people with a little common sense can see signs of depression and should offer help. Most people who commit suicide have been thinking of doing it for a long time and prepare for it. Families should be vigilant to detect signs. Depression, hopelessness, withdrawal, giving things away, not making long term plans, putting their affairs in order are a few signs of impending suicide. In this day and age when every kind of information and resource is a click of a mouse away people should not resort to this most cowardly way of getting out of trouble. Loosing a limb let alone loosing a job is not a good reason to kill one self. But for Gods sake or your family's sake if you want to kill yourself do it but don't take anyone with you. Let everyone choose when and how they want to die.

My Love

I often listen to Armenian music in my car. I normally can't do this at home because my husband protests that most of the songs I listen to are too sad, or my daughter remembers that she could actually listen to music on the CD player and wants to change it. Any way, some things are better done in solitude. The beauty of most the songs I listen to amaze me, specially the very old folk songs or songs by Sayat Nova. At least with the latter we know who the author is but with the folk songs the authors are always unknown. For a nation who was persecuted, massacred, and driven from her homeland for centuries the existence of this much profound poetry is nothing short of a miracle. When you listen you can picture the natural beauty of the land, the people's dreams, their pain and suffering and yet there is always hope, pride, and gratitude. Through the musical instruments used, I can hear the brooks gurgling, the sparkle of the springs, the cry of a broken heart. Through the words I can picture lake Sevan shimmer, Araz river overflow, spring come and snow fall. It breaks my heart to hear a song in which a mother tells her son to grow and become a solder to fight for the defenseless Armenian nation and only then she would bless him. In one song a mother is praising her daughter's beauty and wants her to go out into the field to fetch water knowing she might be kidnapped or worse but wants her to enjoy life and the new spring. Evey song I hear is testimony to the tortured life the Armenians lived under Turkish rule. The threat of raids, mass murders or forced deportations were everyday life occurrences and yet they made poetry and song that lifts the spirit and makes me understand the purpose of humankind. Since I can remember and had a sense of self I have been proud of my nation, of my people, only by knowing more about everything Armenian I have fallen in love all over again. I regret everyday that I don't live in Armenia and I yearn that someday I shall. Every single song and poetry or book that I read reminds me that my final destination is Armenia. I want to live and die among people who have such rich cultural heritage and have given me such joy my entire life.

Without Memories

I remember our mountainsides

The cool gurgling of the springs

The eternal fires of the shepherds

My mountain deer lovers' black eyes

Hazy mountains, breezy mountains

Bring my childhood back

Mountains lush with flowers ...

I remember my mothers' voice

The sheep grazing on the rocks

The sweet sound of the shepherd's flute

Sitting under the dark clouds

Hazy mountains, breezy mountains

Bring my childhood back

Mountains filled with flowers 

Our mountain flowers are in my heart

Their sweet smell is in my heart

Flower scented, mountain air drenched

Our song's springs are in my heart

Hazy mountains, breezy mountains

Bring my childhood back

Mountains luxuriant with flowers

Lyrics by Gooson Ashod

Translated from Armenian by

Armine Zohrabian

Who are we without our memories? I wasn't raised in the mountains of Armenia which I regret immensely, but the song speaks to my yearnings of my childhood in the dusty streets of Arak. I remember our quaint small church, the kindergarten, our school, the pageantry of our New Year celebrations, the tall Christmas tree, the Santa Clause and his sack full of goodies. Our school chorus singing enthusiastically year after year all the wonderful songs that filled our hearts with pride and deep sorrow. The songs we sang gave us visions of a motherland we had never seen. We sang about heroes we had never met, sacrifices they made we could never be fortunate enough to make. But in general we were happy children, we had good parents, good teachers, a peaceful predictable life. The years rolled by and we always celebrated New Year, Christmas, Easter and all the other big and small traditional Armenian holidays. Every year in elementary school when the school year was over on our way home we would throw away our old notebooks and take off our uniform before getting home and then our summer adventures would begin. For me and my sisters it was playing hide and seek in the evenings with our cousins, it was bicycle rides at nights and playing endless games of tag and dodge ball. We payed house and school and we had lots of dolls. But what I most liked about summers, was that I could read to my hearts' content. After tiring of games I would stand in front our large library and would chose a fat volume. Sometimes I would ask my fathers' opinion and he would gladly recommend something. I mostly loved historical epics. It was awe inspiring to read about Armenian history, our great past civilizations and dynasties, all the great battles and minor wars. I learned who I was and where I came from through these books. They gave me self confidence and self worth. They were the building blocks of my cultural education. I read other books also, books by well known Russian, English and French writers. Every time my father would go to the capital, Tehran he would bring new books along with dolls and clothes. And then, there were our friends, school friends, friends from youth groups and cultural organizations. Friends that shared our school days, summers and winters and everything else in between. We partied together, danced and sang together and grew up together. Friends that even after thirty years of separation still remember each other and are happy to see each other and say hello. We would all be hollow soles without our memories of the past. We are who we are today because of who we were then. 

I miss everyone and everything in my childhood but, that's life.                   

Unanswered Questions

I was probably 5 years old. I don't remember why but I was standing in our enormous garden that had a big green wooden gate and I was calling my mom who was in the house 200 feet away from me. I kept calling mom mom mom mom mom mom. I called so much that that the word mom lost its meaning. Suddenly I realized that I wasn't calling anymore, I was thinking who made up the word mom? Why are we supposed to call this individual mom? Who was the first person who used it it? I thought about it for a long time but had no answers. Another day my sister and I were talking I was maybe 6 or 7 and she was 10 years old. I asked her if she knew what God was. I remember clearly what she did. She put a dot on a piece of paper with her pencil and said, "Do you see this dot? no matter how small anything is in this world God can see it, you can't hide anything from God". I already had enough religious education from my church and school that I knew that God was supposed to be this almighty being, who was loving, forgiving and most importantly punishing the evil, person. My next question to her was "If this is true, how could God let the Turks kill one and a half million Armenians who had built one thousand and one churches in the city of Ani, who were the first nation on Earth to accept Christianity? Why was I praying every night and asking God to keep my mom and dad and sisters and brothers safe and healthy, obviously God didn't have the power to do that." I don't remember what my sister's answer was, it must not have been convincing enough because I stopped praying and stopped believing in Gad from that moment. I asked my sister recently if she remembered that conversation and she said no. I suppose the reason I remember it so clearly is because that was a turning point in my life.